Diary of a Madman

Sounds better than "Journal of a Madman"

It's been a while (since I could hold my head up high?)
It's always interesting to me to see the considerable gaps in my LJ entries and think about all of the things that might have happened and what importance they may or may not have had and how they'll never be "immortalized" in this fucking shithole of a journal and I can't decide whether or not I'm glad about this fact. Somewhere between apathetic, bitterly-amused and some other feeling, I'm sure. "Glad" probably isn't the word for it.

I was in a joke of a relationship for around 2 years with a 20-something girl who acts like she's 12 and refuses to grow up. She blames anxiety, her parents, and the world at large for not doing a better job of babying her, but that's neither here nor there. It ended long after it probably should have, but we pretended like we could stay friends afterwards. Unfortunately, on account of either my powers of perception suddenly returning to me or because of my way of viewing people in the worst possible light for various reasons, I started to resent who she was and found it increasingly difficult to hide this fact. It's pathetic, really, how little of a friendship actually remained towards the end, but by that point it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" that seemed to have killed it, as she either realized there was nothing left or just "didn't have the patience to deal with my bullshit anymore". I suppose it doesn't ultimately matter and there's that very small part of me that wishes it hadn't gone this way, but I'm almost... glad somehow. My only regret is that I haven't completely forgotten that the bitch even exists and the remnants of her still remain in various ways and short of actively purging myself of everything related to her (which still wouldn't help), I'm stuck with it indefinitely.

What a fucking shame.

There are very few moments in my life where I feel like I'm headed towards some sort of "destination" or long-term goal or actually have anything to look forward to in my pathetic excuse for a "life", but I have noticed some disturbing trends lately. I say "disturbing" but I'm not sure if I'm actually "disturbed" or just only slightly disgusted or perhaps slightly intrigued somehow. In any case, I've noticed that I've been spending a lot of time preoccupied with porn or, more accurately, with the idea of getting commissions or custom videos or other things pertaining to it. I honestly can't tell if this is some sort of active addiction or desperate attempt to fill a void or if it's connected to something else that's unrelated to my insatiable sexual appetite. In a futile attempt at psychoanalyzing myself, I considered the possibility that what I'm really "getting out of" the whole experience is the feeling of control. Being able to tell people what my fantasies are and using them to create exactly what I want. I don't pretend that that sort of thing is remotely "healthy" (what the fuck part of my life is?), but it's an... interesting notion that I couldn't help but entertain for a bit. Not sure what it means, where it's taking me, or what I intend to do about it, other than succumbing to it and adding onto the reasons I hate myself and who I am as a person.

I'd say I was glad that practically no one reads this, but that would be a lie. I think I'm mostly just numb to it.

Home is where the cesspool is
It's funny how I always seem to find myself back here. It's almost like the one constant that I have in my life. On the wonderful thing that is the Internet, anyway. A place full of misery and depression. A wonderful storehouse of bullshit and stupidity that I can always come back to. Warms my heart. Really. Maybe it'll disappear when this site actually dies for good, which I can't imagine will take that long. I'm surprised it's lasted this long...

I find myself bored and irritable and wanting nothing more than to harass someone else for pretty much no reason that makes sense. I'm pretending as if I have some sort of measure of self-control and so I've decided to settle for this horseshit instead, which I don't think will be all that productive or ultimately helpful, but we'll see how long it takes me to get fed up with it. Probably not long.

I could bitch and whine and moan and complain about my unremarkable life, but I don't think I really feel like it. Or at least, I don't see the point of doing so. It rarely makes me "feel better" or much of anything else that's remotely good or fucking useful, so... that's an exercise in futility. I suppose I wish I understood my mood better, but that's something that's usually beyond my reach. It's a shame that I'm so fucking retarded. Pity, really.

I've been meaning to kill myself for over 10 years now, which is funny and sad. Maybe one day I'll get it right. One can only hope, right?

Need faith to make me numb
Here I am. Sitting at the computer. Awake and fucking around doing absolutely nothing before work because apparently sleep is fucking overrated or something. I can't tell if I feel more bitter, sad, or just generally depressed for no reason in particular or just every reason in particular. I wonder sometimes if my thought processes or feelings are half as complicated as I make them out to be, but that sounds like a surprisingly confusing and annoying train of thought. I heart over-analyzation.

Most years around Christmastime, I feel a general sense of apathy or dislike towards all the garish decorations and obnoxious consumerism, especially in regards to my own job and all the fucking shit they drag in around that time. Interestingly enough, I've almost managed to ignore some of those aspects (even the Christmas music that plays non-stop) and just... went along with the flow, but instead of being apathetic, I've found myself incredibly depressed. Now, I guess it isn't that uncommon to find myself depressed around Christmas (it seems to be a more frequently-occurring thing) but I seem to have felt it quite strongly this year. On more than one occasion, I've felt myself wanting to cry (which, of course, I wasn't able to) and considered just avoiding any and all family get-togethers for some reason. I don't know why I thought they'd be any more overwhelming than usual, but the prospect of a lot of them just... didn't seem at all appealing. I still have two more things to go to (Christ, and I'm not even married) and I can't really say I'm looking forward to either of them, although one will probably be more painful than the other. Spending over 24 hours with my father and his "family" sounds like a quick way to make me want to fucking shoot myself. Let the fun begin...

I don't know why the fuck I'm awake. I find myself wanting to go back to bed, but I don't know if it's worth it or if I'll actually be able to get any sleep. I hate this fucking shit. Oh well. I hate a lot of things. Or so I say. I say a lot of things. Don't know what half of it means or if it means anything or if anything is worth getting fucking bent out of shape over. Yup. I don't fucking know nothin' 'bout nothin'. And it's fucking fantastic.

Oh look. It's one of those entries again. Oh wait. I think that's the majority of my entries. Just fuck fuck fuckity fuck all over the fuck fuck fuckity fuck fucker. Clearly I've missed you, LJ. All the opportunities to type the word "fuck" over and over again. You... complete me.

Why the fuck is post button greyed out? Are you completely stupid, LiveJournal? Wait, don't answer that.

All roads lead to Hell
Sometimes I feel as if I've "forgotten" about this website, but that isn't really the case since I do check some communities on it, but I don't actually post anything. I couldn't tell you why that is, exactly. Perhaps nothing seems worth mentioning. Perhaps I'm tired of hearing myself complain. Perhaps I don't really have anything that really needs to be complained about? Haha. Yeah, well... I doubt that last one. Maybe it just seems so futile, although that would imply that's somehow any different from all the years that I've posted stupid, depressing and ultimately pointless shit on here for everyone and no one to read. What a seemingly complex, convoluted, and useless train of thought.

Once upon a time, many months ago, I had gone on some sort of "adventure" and had intended to write all about it, as this place seems to be a place where I store memories away. Some good, most bad, but a surprisingly useful and extensive resource for checking when things occurred in my life. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, since this is the best place to go to see terrible things about me and get a good idea of what I'm really like inside. I suppose that's life. Just a wonderfully terrifying mix of awe, wonder, horseshit, and stupidity. How delightful. The further and further that event gets, however, the less and less I remember and less inclined I feel like writing about it. I don't know if that's somehow "tragic" or really doesn't make a difference. That's a line that I'm frequently incapable of drawing because I can rarely make the distinction. Such is my life.

I don't remember if there was anything else I felt was worth mentioning.

There never is.

The blue bus is calling us...
Since the job fair at Home Depot, I haven't really bothered trying to look for another job, in spite of how awful my hours at work have been. I've been called in several times, and accepted shifts from other people, so it does make my pittance more manageable but... I realize that I should find a more stable job soon. I just haven't really been able to coax myself into doing so, as most of my free time is spent in chatrooms and/or talking to a special someone.

"Mon Dieu! A 'special someone', he says!"

It's... not exactly how it sounds like, although I suppose in some ways it kind of is. It's a bit of strange situation, or at least, one that I never thought I'd find myself in. I'm not exactly in what you'd call an "exclusive relationship", but to be fair, it's not exactly quite a "relationship" on any real level either. The girl in question likes to refer to it as a "reverse harem" in the sense of harem anime, which some of you (people read this?) may not be a familiar with. Long story short, I am among a group of 5 to 6 guys who are all vying for her attention to some degree, but each of us has whatever amount of "effort" we're willing to invest. She likes all of us, so... it's kind of... interesting. I don't really know what I expect to come from this, but... I'm just kind of going along for the ride because it... seems like it might be fun? I really don't know...

I haven't specifically told myself not to do the "long-distance" thing ever again, but the thing is for me, is that I don't necessarily see this as a full-fledged "relationship" due to how she's worded things. I suppose that's the kicker though. Knowing how the other feels or what they expect, hope, want, feel and all those things. I suppose I'll have to go over things in the not-too-distant future to set out a better idea of how I feel about the whole thing because I don't exactly want to set either of us up for disappointment. I have, however, already decided that I really want to meet her IRL in some way or another, so we'll have to see about procuring funds and/or getting my passport business straightened out. I know I shouldn't really "get my hopes up" or anything, but travel isn't really a major obstacle to me like it is to some people. I've made some pretty fuckin' crazy trips across the US before, so it's not like it would be a "first time" or anything. We'll just see how it goes.

I'm not sure if there's anything else worth mentioning. I suppose that was the most "important" thing. I haven't really felt like playing any games or writing much lately, so... yeah.

The world is a ploy; a leash of employ
So apparently I really need to find a new job as my current one is no longer giving out any hours (literally) and unlike some people, I cannot afford to live on absolutely nothing. I can live off of very little, but absolutely nothing is beyond even my capabilities, I'm afraid. There's a job fair today somewhere that has 3 different times, which is something I find slightly odd, but I'll probably drag my sorry ass over there eventually. I am most definitely procrastinating and kind of wishing I had more up-to-date resumes, but I suppose I'll get around to making those at some point. I've been to a job fair before, so I have a small idea of what to expect. I just hope this doesn't turn out to be a gigantic waste of time, like many of the other things that tend to happen in my life.

My grandmother came over on Wednesday and brought over a "gift package" from herself and my mother which consisted of lots and lots of food. I was very grateful for this as I have very little money in my bank account and was running quite low on food at the time. Hopefully I can make it last for quite a while, as my cupboards have not been this full in a long time. I'd say "ever" but I'm not sure if that's really 100% true. I just finished eating some chicken fettucine alfredo leftovers from Boston Pizza (my grandma let me have hers) and a small Italian bun-thing, but I think I might still be hungry. I always overdo it. This is why I'm fat. Well... that and the fact that I don't exercise properly. Or at all. Meh. Whatever.

A small part of me is hoping the application they make me fill out doesn't make me choose the names of my managers they wish to contact, but thinking back on it, I think pretty much all of them have that. I can still pretend, right? I like playing pretend and we're all good at lying to ourselves for various reasons. I can have this one, right? Right? RIGHT?! I'm not even sure if I can remember the number to the Steinbach Superstore right now. I don't think I can, actually... Life is such a pain in the ass.

I don't recall if I was going to go on about something else. The chatroom I've been frequenting? Meh. I don't really feel like talking about that. Oh well.

Crown me with the pure, green leaf
I sometimes find myself wondering if a particular someone continues to stalk my LiveJournal, and for that particular reason, I typically exercise some small amount of caution in what I write, if not a whole lot. It's most likely silly, pointless, and slightly delusional to think so, but I have been surprised by such things in the past. Apparently it is foolish to assume that no one thinks or speaks of me, although I can't tell if I'm more flattered or horrified by the prospect.

I went to the bar with a female friend of mine recently, and while I'm not entirely sure what I expected to come out this, I found myself slightly disappointed all the same. For those who aren't in the know, I am not someone who frequents bars or gets routinely shitfaced in any other venue. The only reason (and I mean, ONLY reason) that I went there was because I wanted to spend time with said person and that was apparently how it had to be. It's kind of silly, really, but I actually entertained the possibility that I might get drunk that evening, or possibly end up bringing someone home or some such nonsense. Every now and then I pretend like there's a chance that I'll do something that's completely uncharacteristic of me and it will somehow pay off, but deep down, I know, that the chances are pretty much slim to none.

For some reason, I actually made some sort of half-assed attempt at asking someone out the other day and I was amused by my own persistence. I've been told that I have "more confidence" than I did before and while I didn't immediately believe it, I think there's a small amount of truth to it. That's not to say that I'm no longer an awkward fuck who places himself in stupid situations without knowing how to properly deal with them or anything, but I seem more willing to place my sorry ass into them. I got shot down pretty quickly, but I was told that she might be willing to set me up with one of her friends, which I almost seemed interested in for a short period of time. I can't help but think that her friend is obviously someone with lower standards somehow, and I was supposed to go to a concert for the whole thing, and I don't really have money and I'm not sure it would be worth the effort. It's pathetic how much I have to lie to myself in order to convince myself that placing myself in stupid situations will somehow pay off.

There was a young woman trying to pitch something at the entrance of my workplace yesterday and she was rather attractive. I actually considered asking her out like a complete douchebag but eventually decided against it. I don't really know what the hell was going on in my head yesterday, but clearly my judgment wasn't all there. I get this funny feeling that desperation is starting to set in, whether I want it to or not. Other people might get this stupid idea that I'm somehow becoming "more normal" by actually being willing to ask out who-the-fuck-ever, but I'm not so sure that's the actual answer. Meh. Whatever.

Haha. I just wasted my time trying to start a conversation with that girl I asked out and got fucked around by. I don't know why the hell I bothered adding her again, other than the fact that I didn't feel like telling her the truth. Shit sucks, bro.

Okay, I think I'm done writing for now.

Oh look, I skipped a month...
And the world will never know the difference. Or so one would think. Or just me. I don't suppose it really matters either way, but that's how it goes over here. Whoop whoop!

I don't even remember what I may have mentioned previously that was worth talking about or what I may have had in mind for this particular entry and I'm finding myself annoyed by this whole process already. I suppose that somewhat defeats the purpose, but I generally tend to find myself more "obligated" to make a new entry than it being something that I find myself "wanting" to do. I don't pretend to fully understand why that is, especially since I don't really give a flying fuck if anyone reads it, since odds are they won't. I just don't understand...

I had a good albeit busy Christmas season this year and it's the first time I actually bothered buying gifts for anyone other than my best friend or girlfriend (which isn't something I have to currently worry about). I think the idea was to try to rekindle the "Christmas spirit" or some sort of hokey bullshit and I'm fairly certain that it didn't really work. I mean, I like getting stuff for people and doing nice things and blah blah blah, but I don't really think I'll ever get back that feeling. I'm pretty sure that's dead and gone and just some sort of childish memory of the past that isn't even worth thinking about. I remember feeling vaguely Christmassy a long time ago when I was around 19 or 20, but I don't think I've felt like that since. Oh well. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Ugh. I'm sick of this already.

A dull roar, perhaps
I don't remember how long ago it was, perhaps a month or more, but I had random thought while walking to work one night. Well, more of a "fantasy" than a thought, but before you intend to turn that into something perverse, silly, and genuinely stupid, let me quickly ruin it for you. I was imagining a scenario where an individual tried robbing me at knifepoint, although in reality, a mugger would probably assail me from behind and knock me on my ass before we got to that point. At any rate, I thought about grabbing the would-be robber's arm and ramming the knife into my own throat and imagined dying with such a death grip on his arm that there was no way he could remove my corpse. I enjoyed the idea that he would be trapped and helpless until someone would eventually find him and call the authorities, after which time he would insist that I had done it myself, although no one would believe him.

The thought of ending my own life or having it ended for me under various circumstances has been on my mind a lot as of late. I believe it's entirely possible that I've been too honest with people about that fact and discussed the whole idea of suicide in great detail with someone from work. I don't really believe that he would go to someone else and try getting me "help", but I'm also not entirely convinced that he wouldn't if he actually believed I was going to. Heh. He insisted that he and the rest of the people on night shift would attend whatever type of service that would be held for me after my demise, but I told him that I didn't believe him. A female co-worker walked in on part of the conversation and ended up telling me that I'm apparently supposed to wait a while because she's "busy" or something. I found that amusing, especially since I doubt she would waste her time sparing more than a moment to think about my death, let alone going to any services.

As I crossed the train tracks at Grey today, I didn't bother looking to see if a train was coming. Generally the crossing arms and warning signals start flashing well in advance, but I had started making a habit of looking "just in case" in order to avoid being struck by a train. A few minutes after I had crossed, the signals went off and I could hear a train rumbling down the tracks and I laughed a little. The idea of lying down on the tracks and hopefully being decapitated by the train has been on my mind lately. I've come to realize that waiting until I somehow manage to procure a shotgun isn't going to get me anywhere, so I'm much better off trying to find viable substitutes.

In other news...

I may or may not end up going to see Skyfall today. Hopefully it works out, but I won't hold my breath. Heh.

The world ends with a roar
For a split second I had felt like blathering on about the unimportant shit in my life, but now that it comes right down to it, I'm not entirely certain that I actually feel like nauseating myself with all the boring fucking details. Will I do it anyway? I don't know. I really don't fucking know. I can't fucking sleep and I'm fucking annoyed as fuck with everything, so fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck all over the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck. Woo. That's fucking fantastic. Fuck everyone and fuck everything. Yeah baby.

I don't recall what I've been doing the past while, but I know it hasn't included playing Guild Wars 2, that's for fucking sure. There's some sort of bullshit event happening on the weekend but I highly doubt I'll be fucking bothered to actually download it and do it. I wonder if I'll get kicked out of my guild for being inactive. I can't say I really fucking care that badly anyway. It's not as if anyone will fucking miss me, so whatever. Yay F2P games!

For a while I was dicking around in Resonance of Fate and tried getting all the trophies but a lot of the ones in there are really fucking time-consuming. Like yarikomi (cool word, bro) fucking time-consuming. I'm not sure I'll actually have the patience or willpower to go through all that bullshit, but we'll see. I also started fucking around in Harmony of Despair again for some bizarre reason and that will probably also take a lot of time to acquire all the trophies for. Apparently I have lots of games with pain-in-the-ass trophies or they're all fucking annoying shit and I've just never been fucking bothered to actually check them out in enough detail to realize this little fact. Shucks.

I watched a bunch of random-ass match videos from a bunch of different fighting games yesterday and then suddenly decided that playing Morrowind again was a good idea. I couldn't remember what the hell I had done last and didn't remember which quest chains were complete or a lot of other random details, so I flipped through my journal and tried figuring that shit out. I also went on the UESP Wiki to check a few little details here and there and that seemed to be quite helpful.

I don't remember what else I was going to ramble on about or bitch and whine about. Probably nothing particularly fucking noteworthy with the possible exception of my latest fucking idiotic escapade concerning my car. I fucking hate winter, I fucking hate walking, I fucking hate my goddamn fucking luck and just fucking hate everything. God fucking damn it all to fucking hell.

I could be wrong, but I don't think I've had an entry laced with this many fucks in a while. I hope you've all been counting, 'cause I sure as fuck haven't been.

I've noticed lately that I've been experiencing a LOT of feelings of déja vu. It's incredibly eerie, actually, but I find myself wondering if it's simply because my life is so goddamn repetitive and boring that everything really does feel exactly the fucking same. The creepiest part is that I'll find myself doing something that seems familiar and then I'll think of something and suddenly realize that I was doing something and thinking that exact something at the exact same time before, or at least, I'll feel like I've gone through that exact same setup once or twice before. Maybe it's a sign that my life is really as goddamn boring as I make it out to be or it's about high time that I killed myself. Or maybe The Matrix is in a bad fucking mood lately and the damn Agents keep changing the fucking code for some stupid reason. Clearly that's it...

I wonder if I have any other random "gems" to share with everyone. Wait... who the fuck is everyone?


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